I hope this is the last random notes I wrote about you

–

Aku mulai ngerti, dulu kita sering berantem karena sifatku yang keras, manja, dan menuntut segala hal. Setiap kamu nasehatin dan ngasih saran gimana sifat yang jelek dari aku, tapi aku malah ngulangin—besoknya ngulangin lagi, lagi dan lagi. Marahan lagi. Dan kemudian kamu jenuh sama aku, pasti. Kesalahanku juga banyak, aku jarang ngasih kamu waktu buat sendiri. Mungkin karena aku takut sendirian dan udah nyaman banget selalu berdua, enak banget apa-apa ada kamu. Tapi aku terlalu egois dan malah lupa mikirin kamu. Disaat kamu minta putus, aku kira aku masih bisa ngerayu kamu lagi supaya bertahan tapi ternyata engga. Sekarang-sekarang ini baru terlintas, misal kamu bertahan dan aku ngulangin semuanya—aku ngga akan pernah berusaha untuk benar-benar berubah.

Saat sama kamu aku bisa ngerasain banyak hal buat pertama kali. Banyak banget. Buat aku, kamu adalah yang pertama yang mau sama aku sepenuhnya sampai aku bingung kenapa kamu bisa suka sama aku, disayang sama orang asing yang sampai akhirnya kamu bukan asing lagi di hati aku, kasih sayang yang berbalas ketika aku bilang "aku sayang kamu" dan dibalas "aku sayang kamu juga git", aku dijaga, dikasih perhatian, digombalin, dibela-belain, dipercayai segala hal, berbagi keluh kesah masalah keluarga & temen, ngomongin masa depan bareng, temen nyinyirin orang lain juga, kamu pun yang pertama nyeka air mataku bahkan manisnya kamu pernah ngapus make up ku pas aku ketiduran, dan aku selalu dapet pelukan hangat kalo kita ketemu sebagai pacar. Masih banyak banget momen pertama kali sama kamu yang gabisa aku tulis. Walaupun segala hal kecil kayak itu semua bukan yang pertama kali kamu lakuin dan mungkin kamu akan lupain segalanya. Aku cuma mau kamu tau, aku bersyukur.

Kamu tau ngga? Sejujurnya aku yang malu tau. Kamu tinggi, ganteng, ramah sama orang. Sedangkan aku pendek, kurus, jelek, gak tau ngehadepin orang umum gimana. Jadi aku bersandar terlalu lama sama kamu, sampai terlalu nyaman. Dan aku lupa kamu mulai jenuh. Bisa apa aku selain minta maaf? Aku minta maaf, buat semuanya. Aku minta maaf jika waktu 1 tahun 2 bulan hanya penuh dengan keegoisan aku dan jenuhnya kamu. Aku minta maaf waktu kamu terbuang sia-sia buat orang macem aku. Aku harap kamu bisa maafin aku karena ini semua emang yang pertama kali buat aku. Aku ngga tau harus apa—bahkan saat kamu minta kita udahan. Apa yang kamu omongin sama temen kamu bener kok, apa yang mereka katakan juga benar. Aku terlalu polos karena baru mengenal hal kayak gini.

Aku takut ngehubungi kamu, takut ganggu kamu kayak dulu aku ganggu kamu. Aku takut, bisa-bisa aku memang gak bisa lepas dari kamu. Lebih lebih, sekarang kamu udah sama orang lain. Aku gatau perasaan kamu ke dia sebenarnya gimana, walaupun berkali-kali kamu bilang "aku sayang dinda, git" mungkin aku hanya menolak untuk percaya sama keadaan sekarang. Kita beda keyakinan, aku berusaha nyiapin hati untuk ditinggal karena emang saatnya. Tujuan kita beda, aku tau, walaupun perpisahan semuanya sama sedihnya. Tapi aku ngga pernah nyangka dan gak pernah terbesit sekalipun kamu ninggalin aku untuk orang lain. Tapi sekali lagi, semuanya salahku. Kamu gak akan pergi kalau sifat dan sikapku bisa bikin kamu nyaman, realitanya, I don't deserve you or your kindness. Tapi sejeleknya aku dimata kamu, aku punya satu harapan. Alangkah baiknya kalau kamu bisa hargai aku yang pernah singgah di hati kamu. Aku cuma mau kamu ngga membandingkan segala kelebihan atau kekuranganku dengan orang lain yang sedang bersama kamu atau membagi cerita kita ke orang lain, itu cukup.

Terus sekarang aku belajar ikhlas. Aku tau kok, sebulan pertama ketika kita udahan aku parah banget ngejar kamu. Aku ga relain kamu ngerasain kebahagiaan yang lain. Aku terlalu sayang kamu, aku yang terlalu egois atau mungkin aku terlalu takut karena bakal sendirian. Entah yang mana alasannya. Aku juga belajar yang lain. Aku belajar segala hal selalu ada konsekuensi, segala hal gak selalu sejalan sama yang aku pikirin, segala hal juga akan berlalu. Semua yang pernah singgah akan pergi kemudian melanjutkan hidupnya masing-masing dan beri aku pelajaran—kayak kamu.

and thanks to you, I am stronger than I've ever been.

I'm very emotional that I can't get you out of my mind. I miss your skin, I miss sleeping on top of your warm chest and feeling pleasurable. I'd rub on to your skin and body just to feel you that you were never left. I miss run my finger through your hair and caress your head even though you seem didn't kinda like it. I also miss caress your cheek because you have a very high cheekbone that I desire. I miss when you kissed me deeply and took my breath away. I miss your hugs, that I'm so small I could feel your warm chest. I also miss when you touch me and I wish you do miss touch me too. But on top of it is I miss your voice, so warm and delicate that I could fall into every word you say. I miss you now, so fucking hard, but I just have to keep it myself. I was so excited to touch you, both your heart & body. But now I have to resist that feeling, however much I want.

.

First month was so hard and I admit how annoying dickhead I was—I was so broke to know you've got another girl that fast. I wasn't that sincere when you love her, I don't want to let you feel another happiness that soon. Because I was very devastated trying scooped up all of your attention just for myself everyday since you said that we were done. I was helpless. Even until this time, I am still figuring out where do I do wrong. I know that everybody change, I am changed, you changed. That being said there'll be some twos or many attitudes of mine you don't like. You might don't like me that much till you made me feel all of those pain, it was all so slow I could feel every inch of it. Do you remember how we first met, I said I was impressed by your voice cause it was so warm and delicate. Perhaps that's why I could possibly fall to every words that came out from your tempting mouth. Those words were so sweet like a bunch of candy, as if me one little girl begging for another candy because you've got so many of it. You should have known, too many candy are bad yet you still give me another until I obsessed with you.

Sometimes it made me smile to remember what we've done as a lover in the past year and made me so grateful. You are the one who make the precious moment and because of you that I've got the happiest moment in my life (I hope you too). But I've learned so many things and you are only going to be a lesson of my life. Moving on is hard, at least I am going to try my first attempt and I believe time will heal every wounds in me. I won't forget, but I'm going to look at you and smile. Because everything will be fine. I'll be fine.

I wish love is universal when it comes to requited love, but it did not
I even did not realize that I always lose my happiness in the moment of infinite
and I hate to remember that I am going to lose you
I wish still it won't gonna happen

I am tired of crying over at night wondering I will be alone again
I am afraid when you say you will accompany me to the end of my trip
But I am tired of picturing me without you for the next step of my life
I am too, afraid that I can't look at you the way that I used to

I wish that I could blame somebody for this mortal feelings
but I can't because it felt so right when it was absolutely wrong

Why does it feel so real it hurts.

Apa tuh skoliosis?

Skoliosis singkatnya adalah bentuk tulang belakang yang ngga normal. Umumnya miring, bisa ke kanan atau kekiri, bisa pula bentuk S. Ciri-cirinya yang paling gampang lo harus nunduk 90 derajat (seperti ruku') dan raba aja punggungnya, kalau ada salah satu bagian yang menonjol (selain tulang punggung) berarti lo skoliosis.

.
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Iya gue pendek banget gara-gara tulang gue yang bengkok. Suka gak suka, this is genetic. Dengan kata lain gue punya bakat dan gue asah (bawa tas berat, duduk miring pas main komputer/baca buku, dan lain-lain). The most bothering thing about scoliosis tuh rasa pegal, gue juga lebih cepat lelah dan ngos-ngosan padahal hanya sebatas jalan padahal jaraknya biasa aja atau naik tangga.

Awal ketauan skoliosis?

Entah gue juga lupa. Pokoknya I noticed it myself, kalo gak salah kelas 7 SMP that means 2009/2010 lalu. Orang tua gue dua-duanya kerja dan gue orangnya ngga begitu terbuka malah deket sama mbak di rumah. So one time I asked her opinion apakah pinggul gue rata atau engga, well she said emang ada yang aneh dan agak gak rata but we both didn't have idea why. Akhirnya gue browsing sendiri dan dapetlah info-info tentang skoliosis.

I was crying all day cause I revealed scoliosis by myself and feeling so desperate. I asked Allah every time I pray kenapa gue harus skoliosis. Karena pada saat itu gue baru tau gak bakal ada yang buat tulang belakang normal atau balik 0 derajat. I haven't tell my parents yet cause I'm really sucks at explaining something, especially in this term which I had to tell them what, why, how and I don't know why every time I tell someone about scoliosis I still wanted to cry.

Gue sering browsing tentang skoliosis dan akhirnya tau bahwa derajat kemiringan sangat mungkin bertambah pada saat pertumbuhan. Gue capek juga diem doang, akhirnya 2012 gue kasih tau ke orang tua kalo tulang belakang gue gak normal.

Tahun 2012

Gue ke RSJ--(oke ini bukan rumah sakit jiwa ya manteman)--Rumah Sakit Jakarta di kawasan Sudirman. Menurut dokternya, skoliosis gue menunjukkan kemiringan 40 derajat terus sama dokternya disaranin beli alat (bukan brace, melainkan alat untuk narik tulang belakang I forgot the name dan latian setiap 15 menit setiap harinya) dan disuruh check up setiap 3 bulan sekali tapi gue gak pernah balik kesana. Entah mungkin I was desperately losing hope jadi sampai 2015 gue ngga ngurusin tulang belakang.

Tahun 2015 (awal)

Gue ke RSAL Mintohardjo, disana gue sama Dr. Eko spesialis orthopedi. Orangnya keliatannya serem tapi suka guyon terus doi alumni ilmu kedokteran Unpad, satu universitas sama bokap, tapi bokap gue jurusan hukum dan terjadilah obrolan panjang kesana kemari........ Ok, akhirnya gue diminta untuk ront gen lagi karena ront gen yang lama udah 3 tahun yang lalu. Dr. Eko membandingkan keduanya, katanya yang 2012 kemiringan skoliosis gue 55 derajat (lho kok beda? Iya emang bingungin. Jadi setiap dokter punya patokan pengukuran derajat beda-beda, jadi hasilnya pun beda) dan 2015 ini turun menjadi 50 derajat. Turun? Ya bangga dong gue (tapi jangka waktunya lama banget 3 tahun, derajatnya turun pun cuma seuprit???). Fyi, gue sama sekali ga menggunakan brace, cuma pakai alat di rumah itu pun jarang banget digunain. Anaknya emang super duper mager. Agak menyesal sama ortu yang udah ngeluarin kurang lebih 3 juta untuk alat tersebut tapi gak gue maksimalin. Tapi emang gak nyaman banget euy, I am so sorry. Oh, ya, lalu sama Dr. Eko gue disaranin pakai brace dan fisioterapi. Tapi, yang gue tau brace untuk skoliosis itu kaku dan keliatan dari luar nggak enak diliat dan bikin risih. Jadi gue.. Yha tau sendiri lah ya gue gimana. Hehehehe.

Tahun 2015 (pertengahan, selesai UN SMA)

Gue ngerasa terlalu egois untuk badan sendiri. Akhirnya setelah browsing gue menemukan BackUp Clinic, letaknya di Central Park Jakarta Barat. Gue minta ke ortu untuk konsultasi ke sana. Akhirnya nyokap gue telepon dan menjadwalkan untuk appointment. Di sana gue konsultasi sama Dr. Lysia orangnya ramah banget I almost fall in jealously how easy she is to keep on smiling. Gue diminta untuk ront gen full spine, dari leher sampai sepertiga paha untuk dilihat lebih detail. And yes.. hasil kemiringannya beda lagi tapi di BackUp Clinic gue dapetin info yang jauh lebih banyak. And to be honest I have no idea how the progression have been doing cause I came to several doctors, they treated me differently and they also have different conclusion too. But one thing I'm sure; derajat kemiringan gue udah besaaaaaaaaaaaaar banget.

Ho oh, derajat sebesar itu didiagnosa seharusnya operasi. Tapi tanda-tanda rawan dan wajib operasi ada lagi misalnya ada syaraf yang terjepit dan menyebabkan aktivitas terganggu. Well gue masih normal belum ada (ya jangan sampai) syaraf yang ngasih respon negatif. Pencernaan dan sirkulasi haid juga diliat, pernapasan dan detak jantung pun dipertimbangkan.

I only have two probability--practically every scolioser in this universe; surgery or non surgery.

Hampir seluruh penderita kelainan skoliosis menjauhi operasi. Sedangkan gue maunya ya langsung operasi aja gitu mungkin lebih praktis. Eh pas tau sebab-akibat sebelum dan pasca operasi.. Ugh, mentalnya menciut. Oh, operasi pun ngga menjamin derajat gue jadi 0 derajat dan gue ngga tau seberapa besar tingkat keberhasilan operasinya.

Nih, ya.. Kalo pilih operasi, gue harus ngejalanin 2 kali. Pertama, yang sekarang-sekarang ini tulang belakang gue dibedah lalu dipasangi besi tapi cuma sebatas penyangga. Yang kedua pas umur 21, gue harus operasi lagi karena pas itu pertumbuhan gue bener-bener selesai jadi tulang belakang gue dibuka lagi dan dipasangi besi yang permanen. Itu aja ga boleh lepas check up berturut-turut dan hal-hal pasca operasi juga nyeremin, banyak ga boleh ngapa-ngapain, iya emang suka ga produktif tapi useless banget coba.. Ku takmau. Terus penyangga tersebut harus dipasang seumur hidup, ngeri dong kalo udah tua. Dan operasi tulang belakang tuh paling sensi, banyak kabel disana, kesenggol dikit gue lumpuh.

Jadi Dr. Lysia menyarankan untuk memakai brace dan mengingatkan bahwa hard brace sudah ngga layak pakai (karena kaku, sifatnya menyangga dan bikin otot lemes) kemudian gue dijelaskan tentang adanya soft brace. Soft brace di sana namanya SpineCor, yang pemakaiannya tidak menggangu aktivitas dan fleksibel tapi harganya yang memang tidak fleksibel. Tapi dibanding operasi, mungkin merogoh kocek sedalam samudra seluas lautan (?) bisa sampai 200 juta ++, kan bikin keselek biji durian duluan. :"))))

So I guess I'm going to choose non-surgery way. I am really patient and enjoying every progress so I shall see.

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I have not been in relationship before since seventeen years ago (no, I don't need any pity, lol) but I know very well about how it turned out.

Being wholly open to someone and put all of your faith to a person is just another ingredient how to love. Love is blind and so is life. Life is a dark way and we need to find a hint by ourselves so we can go through unblinded. Being in love to someone is one of those million option of hint on the way and obvious a joy, which can light up the dark path.

oh God. Why do I talk about this after all??????

I never been in love to someone intensely. I mean, I am easily attracted someone but not in the romantic way. It's rather that I attracted to his face, his personality or what he can do. I ended up admired every person that I like. Cause, ugh, please, guys? I don't understand guys. I ever close with someone and he did claim that we are close (in this case I'm not ge-er whatsoever). Our conversation just so flat but I can't ended our talk. It endless stupid and going nowhere. I'm just right here, replying every text and there he is; talking to me and in a relationship. I did ask him to just cut out every possible way for us to talk but he said to me that I was immature. I hate him for sure since then. No, it's not about what he said to me. I just didn't like that he has no respect for women feeling, whether it's his girlfriend or mine. I think that's the worst cause he didn't think a single thought.

So, guys, just respect women feeling. It is worth it and you will know by time how worth it is.

You know how hard is it to thinking about future? To imagining the future? To picture it? To fantasize it?

Because there is only one thing that clear about future; we are all going to die. We do that someday in undefined time and like Gus in The Fault in Our Stars, he feared oblivion. I, actually, do too.

But no I'm not going to talk about dying.

Nah, this time, because I'm a third grade I was really confused to think where is my next destination.

Where is my fate?
Where is my guts actually feel comfort?

Because, no, I am not gonna just graduate, being a college student, work, having a family, and die. I want something more, a plot twist. Whether it's good or bad, I'll do it anyway. I try not to seeking attention but I would like to seeking some experiences. I want to meet people and listen to their stories throughout their life. I want to make my view more wider and reduce the noise.

But,
I still dunno how to be the center of attention.
I can't speak in front of many people.

How pity

This is my class when I was in the second year. The one in the center is my Japanese teacher and those two who weren't wearing uniform is our native speaker from Japan.

We were wearing kabuto and we were cool.



Ugh. I'm gonna miss you guys!

It has been a long time since I write stuff in my blog. Yeah you know, senior high, science class, many things to do.

I am in the third year now. My last report of the fourth term is not that bad. But I still wonder am I qualified with my fellow classmates? My friends? Stranger?

I can't be just plainly smart (I'm not rly that smart either), I can't be stupid or else I'd being fooled in the society. There are many unique people out there. They have though mind and sharp ideas. Be innovative, and they serve the society right. But sometimes I think they are too obsessed with freedom. You know, kebebasan berpikir, berpendapat, beragama, berolahraga, tidur, makan, minum, belanja, tengkurep (--okay what the hell). They don't have walls. Which, my wall is to thick I can't even thinking out of my mind.

But I actually admire them. I admire people. I admire people with their perspective of life, in their good way and point of view.

I admire people brains and feelings (though in some posts I said I dislike feelings but yeah we need it), they worked good even in the lowest part of ourselves and still with one people to another, they served differences which I cannot describe. But still they can't properly work if they don't have any guts. What is the best idea if I don't have guts to tell people? What is remarkable things if I don't have guts to make it? What is fantasy if I don't have guts to start it?

Okay so I think I'm gonna looking for my guts.

P.s 
Wow Germany vs Argentina eh in the World Cup finale? My hands are full of the hopes of Germany be the winner. Hopes they have guts, energy, spirit and luck to reach it!

Kelas sebelas? Gimana tuh rasanya?

Beda! Kalau dipair lingkungan sama atmosfernya kelas sepuluh & kelas sebelas, overall beda. Karena saya gak mau lebih spesifik, saya cukup bilang beda. Yep. Karena dari awal saya udah punya tujuan buat lebih fokus di kelas sebelas ini, bertolak belakang waktu pas kelas sepuluh. Setahun lalu, saya lebih sering duduk dan gak berani ngomong alias silent type. Tapi saya itu lebih kayak 'split personality', di lingkuan ini sama lingkungan sana; beda. But I think I am still—more or less, now and then.

Saya gak mau sebut merek dagang. Yang pasti, masing-masing karakteristik per-individu itu emang beda. Saya bisa mentolerir sama betapa beragamnya 'kita', tapi pasti tuh ada terkecualinya. Menurut saya, lho.

Sebetulnya saya kurang suka sama orang yang gak punya rasa respek satu sama lain. Mereka itu kekanak-kanakan dan kurang dewasa, karena lebih mentingin ego dirinya. Banyak sosok-sosok seperti itu disini, makanya negara saya masih pakai embel-embel negara berkembang. Wong yang tua pun masih mikirin diri sendiri, masih egois, masih banyak yang korupsi. Nah, korupsi uangnya buat siapa kalau bukan memperkaya diri? Jadi seharusnya dari sekarang udah belajar respek sama orang lain. Respek gak pake uang. Respek hanya perlu diri kita sama ikhlas. Saya bisa kok buat orang seneng karena merasa direspek—didengarkan, dilihat. Karena kita semua emang begitu, gak ada bedanya.

Kesendirian menghampiri
Suasana hitam, kelam, dalam ruangan tak bergravitasi
Tapi ruang ini tak kosong, alih-alih dilanda kekosongan rapi
Aku mengingat memandang dalam kejauhan, sendiri

Kesendirianku adalah teman
Fiksi, yang sekarang hidup dalam bayangan
Kadang menghantui, kadang menemani
Tetap tenang dan kebingungan tak'kan menghampiri

Kesendirianku bukan hanya diam semata
Diamku ini arti yang meninggalkan kerancuan
Namun diamku ini juga bukan berarti tidak tahu
Mereka bukan emas namun setumpuk suara tak bernada

Kesendirianku ini tidak dapat ditinggalkan
Mereka selalu menemani dan mengikuti
Karena disana tidak ada ruang
Karena disana dialah yang mengambil tempat

Kesendirian ini kadang terlihat menyedihkan
Tapi nyaman jika aku membuatnya,
Nyaman jika aku membutuhkannya
Aku akan membalikannya; membuat kosong itu penuh

I tried so hard to make this one, I don't know whether it's bad or good. But I think it is just one of mediocre poems.

Have a good day!

I'm sort of—sharp with someone's needs, but I'm not sharp with own feelings. I can tell by writing these with english, it's just hard to tell directly. I also can tell other's are more important than mine. I'm just too poor. I'm that poor I can't accept my own feelings, how I feel.


Somehow I hate feelings. Feelings are sensitive, I hate that. They're too weak. They need a companion. They need somebody by their side. I hate that even more.

Feelings want need to be respected, I knew it.

But I can't do it with mine.

Me:
Friends:
Me:
Friends:
Me:
Friends: we're wasting time
Me: leave me alone, I'm still looking
Friends:
Me:
Books:
Me:
Books: nah it's the right time to buy us
Me: as you wish, master

It came to me, however, there always was. Consider myself as a loner at the most of time, wonder all I need and the bliss was solitude. I don't like being portrayed as a fool and excess of stupidity. Being alone is not wrong at all; as for me. But the negative thought, is. I was thought that kind calls kindness. I couldn't be a special one because if a person nice, he/she is also nice to others. Though, world is beautiful because the stuff that in it. But it is cruel either. I was about to sure lies were form of kindness. Thus, whether I said kindness itself was also lies. I was so complicated that I disliked particularly a kind person and the ones that too much seeking attention. I didn't really know whether I was upset because it/he/she can't be done like I wanted to be or it/he/she did caused me upset. Then I wondered who's the most fit to be blamed. Me, or them. Me, or no one else but myself. I didn't know which was the most would tore me apart; regret, pain, anger or sad.

No matter where you are, who you are, there will always be. Feelings. Feelings that broke you down every where and every time. It should be better if you're not asking question, it will be easier to just accept it without question. Just don't think too much, because its dope, will be taken its toll.

I want to share my watch list of Anime (Spring 2013) either, these are:

• Shingeki no Kyoujin or Attack on Titan
• Yahari Ore no Seishun Love Come wa Machigatteiru or My Youth Romantic Comedy Is Wrong As I Expected
• Suisei no Gargantia or Gargantia on the Verdurous Planet
• Date a Live
• RDG: Red Data Girl

“When you're out of breath and realise you've been running and looking back, and you stop to wonder what you've been doing... Will the road back look more different that you thought it would?” — from Seishun Kouryakuhon manga

I like him. And still, I have no idea. But certainly, I don't like walking on remain the kind of this way. I don't love him because It's too heavy to bear by myself all alone. I stick with my last word, I like him in the way I do. Well there is no way I could tell him. Although, my reasons could be make no senses. It is complicated. Pretty explanatory.

In several times, he made me forget things, I mean, I know that he didn't really did it. But I feel comfy, I feel happy, I feel joy around me. He made me screwed, either.

It always gives me goose-bumps when I look him into his eyes meanwhile he sees me too. Even I feel weird to see people on their eyes, yet, I kinda like it—if it was his. Also, I am always beyond excited to have a little talks with him. I don't know if it is too soon, but, dammit. I fucking like him.

Pardon, when it comes.. I will always come to this.

However, we are both similar. My friend once told me, I look like I've hadn't any crushes yet and when I saw him, he looks like he didn't take any attentions at all.

We are both silent. We both.., or, I'm just the silly one who really do and he doesn't.

In about couple days ago, I've lost my glasses as well as my paper of remedial of Physics (which, there were 48 questions). It was Saturday when I realised that I have no idea where there are. I kept looking at my home but there was nothing. My stupidity told me later not to telling my parents about it. The day after, I was randomly getting anxious. I've decided the remedial thingy had to be re-written by myself. So I was lembur, and a cup of coffee was accompanied me.

Oh! Right before that, I be procrastinator. I certainly procrastinate to did it. There, my thoughts were wandering, they were so anxious, messed up, and kind of.. devastated. It was Sunday, a day before school started and I have no idea where is my glasses. And that paper either. I was crying like a child wants a balloon.

     Crying, eh? 

     Right.

Well, it was not just that simple. I lost my responsibility, and indirectly the part of myself mostly dislike on its own.





[even I had found it] [it actually was left behind] [I'm still upset]

1. Daikichi Kawachi, lo bokap idaman, nggak boong.
2. Kalo gue udah gede, gue harus punya chemistry sama anak gue.
3. Pengen punya suami & anak kayak gitu deh, hidup gue pasti bakal nyaman, tentram, damai.
4. Oooh, gini toh kerja kerasnya para nyokap, bokap & seluruh orang tua. Mereka emang inspiring banget.
5.
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5. ...KENICHI MATSUYAMA, KENAPA IN REAL LIFE LO UDAH NIKAH. KENAPA, KENAPAAAAAAAA « gomen ne, that was only personal thoughts (........)

Eventually, I got (actually not really) a week of days off after struggling for a week of mid-term examination. This is my experience when I'm in examination; I sat with a senior from Social Classes, he seemed kind but I didn't talk to him during the exam except for saying “excuse me“. There I decided to asked him the answers but I was hesitate, because he was very busy of his works—for looking the answers, too. These times were so different with term one, when I sat with a senior from Science Class. He's kind of funny and absurd but quite smart and we got a lot of talking and helped each other—(and also I ever had reproved by the teacher for a couple of times) (I'm still a good student, btw)

Let I go to the some points, at the first and second day were like reading newspaper and fairy tale, because it had scheduled for Indonesian and English. My qualmishness of Physics and friends have overloaded. I neither have interest with History nor Sociology. Civics? I literally don't ever have political views. Yet at least I was very lucky I'd stand over Stoichiometric, Trigonometry, and National Gross and also Plantae thingy and yes I'm still breathing and my brain still works and I could stand above my legs and—right, stop.

But, really, thank God there will no need to face them all the while, I mean, a week of examination is over and the thing to do is waiting for the final score which makes me feeling so worried + hangover. Unfortunately, I am already effing hangover with those stuffs.

This weekend I'll start with do a car free day on Sunday with my friends of mine and will be watching movies (because there's many good movies) (if I have money, definitely) and I'm so fascinating with it.

Or perhaps I'm just laying on my bed, do nothing for days. And I'm still excited with it.